Cryptic writings of Steven Marsh

These are things that'll never get me any money, so I'll share 'em with you. Some of these come from the Virtual Lobby, an extension of Landis Hall's own Lobby, of which I and a horde of my friends came from. Others came from the online forums Pyramid Magazine, which I edit.

According to various online sources, Tim Burton is working on Batman: The Musical.

<ahem>

I am the very model of a modern villain predator.
Superman's an ally but he's also a competitor.
He fights with strength and heat vision while I only have a batarang
to face a legion of the evil certi-fy-a-bly insane.

I am responsible for the bulk of Arkham denizens.
My enemy is Lex Luthor, who's currently the president.
Bruce Wayne left but Batman stayed when Gotham got all earthquake-y.
Robin was a Grayson, then a Jason; now he's Tim Drake-y.

Jim Gordon was commissioner, but then got shot out of commission.
The folks of Gotham City need me though they think I'm superstition.
I'll keep on fighting evil with my fists or as a playboy creditor
'Cause I am the very model of a modern villain predator.

Other Books Declared Apocryphal By Early Christian Scholars

1. Book of Louie Louie, with lyrics to the song
2. Book of Ringo, the forgotten apostle
3. Book of Christ's Favorite Pork Recipes (omitted for obvious reasons)
4. Book of Love (including author's name)
5. Book of Rejection Letters to Paul
6. Book of Begatting: Explicit Sex Scenes of the Bible
7. Book of Treating Women Like Human Beings
8. Book of Mormon II: Electric Boogaloo
9. Book of Reasons Why Angels Cry and Bowl
10. Book of Newt

A MESSAGE FROM STEVEN

Unfortunately, we live in times more dangerous than any that have gone before. Here, then, is some advice... from someone who cares.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU FIND YOURSELF AT THE HAUNTING

STAY CALM. Remember, the movie is only two hours long. While it is true this is longer than most bad sexual encounters, at least there isn't the awkward question as to whether The Haunting is going to spend the night or just go home.

LOOK FOR YOUR FRIENDS. Nearly every character in The Haunting has a counterpart to one of your friends. How many can you find?

PRETEND THIS IS MYST: THE MOVIE. Listen especially for sound effects and other cues from this seminal computer game.

PRETEND LIAM NEESON IS REPRISING HIS QUI-GON ROLE FROM STAR WARS: EPISODE I. Whenever he talks into a tape recorder, pretend he's really talking to Obi Wan. Imagine he's using the word "midichlorins" a lot. And so forth. (Since one of the character's names is Luke, this is pretty easy.)

MAKE A GAME OUT OF COUNTING HOW MANY WAYS THE OBVIOUS IS POINTED OUT TO THE AUDIENCE. Thus, when an actress obviously shivers, rubs her shoulders, has fog coming out of her mouth, and says "It's getting cold!" while looking out a frosting window, that counts as FIVE! Can you do better?

PRETEND IT'S STANLEY KUBRICK'S LAST FILM. That way, you'll have to pretend to like it, even if it sucks.

IMAGINE THE MOVIE YOU WOULD HAVE MADE. If you owned the Haunting house, and had extra money to spend on CGI, special effects, or maybe a script, what kind of movie would you have made? How much more interesting would it have been than The Haunting?

PRETEND THE FEMALE PROTAGONIST IS JULIA ROBERTS. Imagine this is a romantic comedy. Imagine who she'll end up with, and the wacky hijinks that will thwart their love's destiny.

FIGURE OUT WHO IN THE AUDIENCE ISN'T LAUGHING WHEN SOMETHING SCARY HAPPENS. Wake them up.

IMAGINE THE MOVIE IS AN ULTRA-HIP POST-MODERN "SCARY" MOVIE, ALA SCREAM. Imagine what soundtrack you would compile. (Hint: "Our House" by Madness is an obvious choice. Can you work in Billy Idol's "White Wedding"? Would you want to?)

FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS INTERESTING TO THE DIRECTOR AND/OR SCREENWRITER. When a scene ends, ask yourself, "Did the director/screenwriter honestly think that was the best place to stop?" Good luck; this will keep you occupied for hours or even days.

LEAVE. If none of these help, remember: Many movie theaters will return your money if you complain loudly enough. Make sure you leave before the end of the film, however. (Don't worry; it's telegraphed pretty well.)

I hope you never find yourself in a situation where you need to use this advice. But if you do, make sure you tell a parent, guardian, or other caring adult afterwards. There is help. The Haunting is not your fault.

This was written as a quasi-challenge by my friend Dennis. It should be relatively self-explanatory.

The Dukes of Clinton