Chapter -1327 through 12.9999, or thereabouts

Clyde Pennet wandered backwards through the events of the past weeks. No doubt about it; bizarre things had happened, and he was not sure why. As he continued his trek backwards, a particle screamed past him, screaming "Yowwie yowwie yowwie" all the way. "Sunday drivers," thought Clyde. He wandered backwards and noticed decisions made, and choices evoked, and possibilities that never were, and the unlikely that was to be.

He saw the birth of the Imperial Roach Empire, the tiny feelers of the Roaches emerging from the great Garbage Dunes of Neptune. He noticed that the roaches, an exceptionally paranoid and timid people, created a huge shell around their world that was, in essence, a giant mat painting. This painting took the form of a gas giant¹, and had successfully fooled the rest of the solar system into thinking they really were a gas giant.

One of the interesting side effects of the painting was that the world was in a state of perpetual darkness, which, in fact, the roaches preferred. In order to give some order to their lives, however, they did designate that their planet would have an equal amount of day and night, with the pattern of day and night imitating a planet they picked at random. Unfortunately, the planet they picked was Venus, which meant that their "days" would each last 118 Earth days, and their nights would last an equal amount. This was to prove crucial to what had happened.

One of the reasons that the roaches were attacking was the fact that Earth, being lousy neighbors, kept beaming those damn Lucy reruns directly at them when they were trying to sleep.

They tried once, politely, to contact them in order to get them to stop. Unfortunately, their polite probe with the polite note ran right into Earth’s Space Shuttle Challenger, and the Roaches politely decided not to mention it again for a couple of days. Four Earth years later (6 Roach days), they tried to ask them again, in person. Then the whole incident with Graceland occurred. Following that defeat, the roaches decided to immediately retaliate, after resting a few days. Eight Roach days later (five Earth years), they invaded. This time, however, they took a day to scope their invasion sight.

It was during this period that Kopra left the lights aboard the Imperial Roach Ship Plague on "overnight", which, to a roach, is 118 Earth days. In other words, the headlights were shining on the planet Earth for almost four months. Now, the side effects of technology are often taken for granted. For example, humans use the photon-emitting technology of televisions as a nightlight, as well as the miracle cure-all panacea, cream cheese, as a tasty topping for bagels.

One of the interesting side effects of the Roach Technologies headlights is that they lower the cognitive abilities of those exposed. In other words, it makes them stupid. Now, the short-term effects are merely confusion, similar to shining a headlight into a deer’s eyes. The long-term effects, however, actually reduce the IQ’s of those exposed, such that they don’t make logical decisions or think rational thoughts. In fact, in the most extreme cases, it actually causes those exposed to make the absolute worst possible decision.

Clyde exerted a minuscule portion of his infinite power to scan the annals of history to determine what effects the headlights had. They were, in order of occurrence:

The decision of H. Ross Perot to drop out of the election and, later, his decision to re-enter the election.

The decision of the American People to vote for Jennifer J. Eciper (who had gotten her name on the ballot by bribing the heads of the elections in all 50 states)².

The decision of Admiral "Skip" Lymon, naval adventurer, to have a secret base in a landlocked locale.

The choice of President Eciper of Dan Quayle³ as her Vice President.

The behavior of Yolanda Win and Uiop Povashanko during their mission with the Safon child.

The resurgence of Alf as the most popular television show.

The fact that Yolanda forgot that she did not, in fact, know any Lord Hollander or Moo Chang.

The difficulties that master scientists, Igmar Anderson and Chet DeGana, were having.

President Eciper’s trigger happy nature.

Phil’s The biologist’s plan of bats and bombs.

The problems encountered by Styles, master mathematician yet mediocre assassin.

Everyone’s seeming apathy towards the ones known, separately, as The Savior and The Destroyer.

The general lack of interest or panic in the fact that the electricity all over the world (except the Senate hearing chambers) had just gone out; or, indeed, that this was caused by the launching of the most hideously destructive forces known by man.

And, oddly enough, the efficiency of the House of Representatives in proceeding with the impeachment hearings against President Eciper; only the U.S. government, it seems, could become more efficient due to an decrease in intelligence.

There was one more vital effect of the headlights; an effect that will, for now, be unmentioned.

Clyde found it curious that the only place on the Earth that had electrical power was the U.S. Senate chambers, until he realized a fundamental fact; science must be acknowledged to work. Since no one in the Senate could spell EMP, let alone explain it, it must not have happened, and, therefore, any darkness created is simply a product of an overactive imagination.

Clyde was furious. After all, thought Clyde, what’s the point of being the Avatar of Destruction if everyone is too stupid to care that everything is being destroyed?

Clyde focused, and made that which wasn’t that which is.

Intelligence had been restored.

Not that it mattered.

It should, however, be pointed out that the destruction of Neptune mentioned earlier was actually mentioned anachronically out of place. This was done partly to give the reader a heightened sense of thrill and excitement that only a destroyed planet can provide, and partly because of a paid consideration by the Uranus Board of Tourism¹¹, who thought that the sooner that people canceled their vacation plans to Neptune, the sooner they would make new plans to Uranus.

This slight prevarication, however, will now be corrected by stating when Neptune blew up.

Now.

Boom.

¹ This painting was chosen by general consensus, and beat out other designs, including a large black hole, a smiley face, and a series of alternating red and white cocentric circles, the latter being rejected due to safety concerns.

² Ms. Epicer won with 87% of the vote; followed by Rush Limbough (8%), H. Ross Perot (3%), and George Bush and Hillary Clinton (both with 1%).

³ The man voted Worst PR in the Universe, followed by Wile E. Coyote, and (oddly enough) Dan Quayle.

¹¹ "Visit exotic Uranus: The closest thing to the outer planets that doesn't have roaches or mathematicians!"