Chapter 0

In the Beginning...

 

Theodore Lind sat across from his friend, the deposed Earth God Gharan-tzu. Gharan preferred Theodore’s time-share condo at Hugh’s Hedonistic Pleasure Palace on Jaconda 5 to the bustle of the Earth he had forsaken; nowadays it seemed impossible to go back to Earth for a snack at a 7-Eleven without being hounded by worshipers. They were in the middle of a rousing game of Science Fiction Scrabble; it was Theodore’s turn, and the board looked like this:

 

                                 

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"Now, just a second," said Gharan. "What the heck are ‘Nonas’?"

Theodore hesitated. "Y’know...Nonas. Plural of Nona."

"’N what the hell’s a ‘Nona’?"

Theodore puffed his chest out in mocking hurt indignation. "You know the rules, Gharan. We can use any word we want, up, down, left, or right, just as long as it could reasonably appear in a science fiction story. Nona would be...I dunno...some kind of goddess."

"Well," refuted Gharan, "use it in a sentence."

"All right." Theodore thought for a moment. " ‘Nona, the Goddess of Pure Math, was unhappy.’" Gharan huffed in disbelief. "Now, look, Gharan, I accepted ‘Roach’. I don’t think I’m asking too much."

Gharan sighed. "Well, okay. But what about..."

Gharan never completed that thought as the skies screamed, "Yowwie yowwie yowwie yowwie" and a minuscule particle crashed into the Science Fiction Scrabble set. Tiles flew everywhere as Gharan covered his head and the tiles uncannily fell into place on the board.

   

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"Well, that’s real interesting," said Gharan. "Must be directed to you; He knows better ‘en to try ‘n talk to me."

"It sounds dangerous..." said Theodore to no one in particular. "...But another penis! That’d be great."

"So what’re you gonna do?"

"Do? Do?! Why, I’m going to Earth!"

"Now jes’ hold on there. You don’t know what’s gonna be expected of you."

"Ah, c’mon, Gharan, it’ll be a piece of cake. What could possibly happen?"

"Well, all right. But I’m gonna do ya a favor. I’m gonna bestow a boon."

"A what?"

"A boon. A fraction of my power...."

"Well, that’s awfully nice of you, Gharan."

"...for a favor."

Theodore inhaled slowly and smirked. "I knew it. What’s the catch?"

"Well, I just want to hang out here for the remaining time on your condo."

Theodore shrugged. "Don’t see why not. It’s simply going to go to waste."

"Well, all right. Thanks. Now, my boon is the ability of transfiguration: the ability to change the size of things. But you can only use it once...and there’s a price and a catch."

"Uh, oh. What’s the price?"

"When used, it summons a Shakespearean actor."

"A...Shakespearean actor?!?"

"Well...it’s the antithesis of Graceland, muh home plane, yuh know? All power has its sacrifice."

"I see. And what’s the catch?"

"Well, you can’t tell anyone about it. If you do..." Gharan smirked. "I’ll kill you. You see, I get hassled enough as it is, and I don’t want my followers to start asking for fifteen inch wazoos or anythin’."

Theodore sighed. "All right; I guess it’s better than nothing."

"Well, all right. Now, I think I’ll stop by ‘n try ‘n see you once the time-share is done. Y’know, see how it went."

Theodore chuckled. "If you can find me. I don’t see myself hanging around Earth very long. I mean, what could possibly happen?"

Theodore turned around to leave, and suddenly felt a bulge in his panties where a second penis was beginning to grow.