Chapter XIIId

Jan stepped forward, forming the point of the crowd. "Now look here, Pennet. I’m not one to interfere with family squabbles. And anything people want to do in the privacy of their own reality is just fine by me. But when you start zapping friends and..." she seared his retinas with a venomous stare "...CATS....that’s when I draw the line."

Jon looked over at R.J. and whispered, "I’ve always preferred dogs."

R.J. rolled her eyes. "You would."

Jan continued. "Now, I’ve dealt with the Commies, the Chinese, even the Roaches. There is no way that I’m letting some two-bit shaper of reality harm me...or my family."

"How touching," sneered Clyde. "Let’s see how high and mighty the Safons are when I turn you all into ducks!" He shot out a bolt of blinding yellow energy toward Jon, R.J., Ziggy, and Jan. When everyone’s eyes adjusted, instead of the expected ducks, there was nothingness. Or, more precisely, nothing. "Hmmm..." said Clyde. "I guess I don’t know my own strength." He raised his eyebrows quickly in a "So what?" gesture, then turned toward the remainder of the group. "Now, let’s see....I just have to deal with two scientists, an alien, an Indian, and a vacuum cleaner. Then I can go and wipe out all of reality."

"You won’t get away with this," said Theodore. "I’ve got some very powerful friends."

"Oh, yes. I know. Like the one you promised a favor for. You remember, the deal with the second penis? Only problem was, when you didn’t keep your end of the deal, He saw fit to remove both of them. In fact, he gave the extra one to my dearly departed half-brother. The Lord giveth..."

Dr. DeGana stepped forward. "Not so fast, Pennet. I, Master Scientist Dr. Chet DeGana, have whipped up a secret energy weapon out of the Ex-Clyde’s blender and toaster oven." He stepped forward holding a dangerous-looking gun larger than Maraharishi (who was currently exploring the avenue of feigning death) and pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened.

Dr. DeGana cleared his throat. "...which fails to work due to the electromagnetic pulse. I think I’ll be going now." He turned around and was zapped by the irked Clyde into a gumball.

"Idiot," muttered Clyde.

"Y’know, I think I’m just beginning to make some sense of this." Jan was holding Jonathan’s essay and staring intently at it.

"Where are we?" asked R.J.

"The roof of the Clyde Millers house," answered Jan half-mindedly. "You don’t get to be a master spy without backup plans."

Ziggy looked up. "When did you have time to make plans?"

"What do you think we did at the Alien Research and Technology Labs?"

Jon looked around. "How did we get here?"

"Matter transporter. Anderson was already at the controls, so he zapped us here."

Raindrop raised an eyebrow. "How come we have our clothes on? I thought the transporter removed them."

"Hmm? Oh, that. Anderson just does that as an excuse to get the clothes off the ladies."

"How did you learn that?" Jon asked, cocking his head.

"When you’re older, dear."

Ziggy folded his arms and smirked. "How did you learn that?"

"When you’re older, dear."

"Jan..."

"What do you think we did at the Alien Research and Technology Labs?" Jan smiled. "Now, c’mon; look at this."

Jan held up the essay.

When faced with doom by a person who is not a person,

get the three and make a triangle and put the bond in

the center and fight the not person.

"You are wacked," commented Raindrop to her brother.

"At least I’m not oogled by scientists."

"Mooooom...."

"Quiet, you two, or I’ll split you up again."

Raindrop spoke in a low monotone, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Oh, please; not that."

"Shush. Now, the ‘not person’ seems to be Clyde Pennet. And I think that the ‘three’ refers to the Triad of Psychics mentioned in the Book of Forever in the Chapter of Continuous Revelation that Tibby told us about."

Ziggy’s eyebrows raised. "You mean..."

"Yes; you, Jonathan, and Raindrop."

"But who’s the bond?" Jonathan inquired.

"Who do you think, fuzzhead?" chastised R.J. "It’s mom!"

"That’s right. I am the link between you three, and I know that I don’t have psychic powers."

"But she is a darn good spy," commented Jon.

"And a hot babe," appended Ziggy.

"Dad!" Jon’s head shot around.

"You’re insatiable," chuckled Jan. "Now, C’mon, you three. Get in a triangle."

They proceeded to do such, with Ziggy at the (remains of) the chimney, and the two children at the opposite corners of the reasonably square roof.

"Okay; now, I’ll just get in the center...."

Clyde was gloating over the crowd. "Y’know, you’re numbers seem to keep dwindling...who’s next?"

Uncertainty seemed to loom over everyone’s head.

"You are all cowards. Which shows wisdom, but which I find..." his eyes lit with pure evil. "...intollerable!" He raised his hands in the air and shot at the ceiling.

Suddenly, the roof collapsed all around everyone, spreading debris everywhere. A stray piece hit Maraharishi, who said, "Ouch!....I mean, Ack! I am dead!"¹ and closed his eyes again.

Along with the debris, three psychics and a woman also fell, forming a neat triangle around Clyde Pennet, with master spy Jannette Safon landing on top of the startled Pennet.

"Now!" shouted Ziggy, who closed his eyes in concentration.

The children did the same, and white energy shot out from the Triad’s foreheads, focusing on their mother; the pupils in her eyes became invisible as she stood before Clyde. "It ends here, Pennet," she said in a voice without anger or even emotion; merely certainty.

Pennet stepped back, then regained his composure. "Do you feel that such theatrics are enough to stop one with the power of Naught?!" He shot out a bolt of energy. It was absorbed by the mother/wife/spy. There was no indication of pain or injury on her face. There was merely that certainty.

"She’s really into it!" whispered Theodore.

"Yeah," said Anderson, who, after thinking a moment, said, "I wonder what she’d be like in bed now."

Theodore’s eyes lit up for a moment at the suggestion, then he changed the subject. "Why don’t you try to teleport Pennet somewhere?"

"I tried; he’s resisted every attempt to do such. Besides, we’re the only ones who have a shot at stopping him."

"Oh," said Theodore. "Wow," he said, after a few seconds, "he’s really powerful."

"Yeah."

"I wonder what he’s like in bed." He picked up a gumball and popped it in his mouth.

Jan stared at Pennet and spoke in a soft, echoing tone that was both relaxing and chilling. "This will end now. The universe will not end; you will merely cease to exist."

Then she hit him.

Clyde’s head jerked back as the force of the psychically enhanced blow recoiled through his skull. His eyes were dazed, his mouth was open, and he appeared to be trying desperately to focus.

Then she hit him again.

Clyde flew across the room into a wall and slid slowly down. He slumped pitifully against the wall and looked up in fear at the woman who was walking forward, slowly, calmly, towards him.

He looked up and, eyes wide open, pleaded, "Please! Spare me! I’ll undo all the damage I’ve done!"

"It’s too late for that," said Jan in the same sickly soothing voice. She raised her fist for one final death blow.

"No!" shouted R.J., her eyes flickering open. "Don’t kill him!"

Jan’s pupils became visible as the energy no longer flowed into her. "R.J.! Keep concentrating! Keep..."

Her last words were lost as a bolt of black energy imbedded into Jan’s chest, knocking her backwards. She gasped in pain as she fell over, gasping for breath.

Clyde stood up, shakily. "I have allowed this travesty to continue for long." He casually flung lightning at the children and Ziggy; they all fell to the ground twitching in agony.

The shock of this caused Theodore to spit out his barely chewed gum.

"The only one who could stop me is currently dead, and your precious Triad of Psychics has proved to be ineffective. Now," said Clyde with an inky smile on his lips, "are there any last words?"

"Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner?" asked Maraharishi.²

"What?!?!" asked the weakened Clyde in both shock and astonishment.

This shock caused Clyde’s normally acute godlike spatial senses to be dumbfounded; these senses, in turn, failed to detect the object flying from space at an enormous velocity toward the house. This object crashed into Clyde’s skull with such force that he fell to the ground immediately, his hold on reality being temporarily severed.

Doctor DeGana appeared suddenly, looking incredibly rumpled and bruised, with several cuts and abrasions. "What happened to you?" asked Theodore, who merely received a frigid look from DeGana.

Everyone, shaky and hurt, ran over to the unconscious Clyde and the object imbedded in his head. "My God!" said Dr. DeGana. "It’s weird! It’s bizarre! It’s..."

"It’s argyle!" said Theodore, picking up the object. "It’s just an argyle sock!"

"A smelly argyle sock," added R.J., who was covering her nose.

"Wait," said Ziggy. "I am picking up a psionic message from the sock." He closed his eyes, as if concentrating, and said in a trance-like monotone. " ‘Thank you, Theodore. I was suffocating in there, and you saved me.’"

Theodore felt a bulge growing again in his panties as Jan started talking to the sock. "What happened?"

"‘After I was killed, I found myself reincarnated into the form of a sock on the Great Garbage Dunes of Neptune. I remember thinking, "Okay, so I’m a sock. Socks don’t lead bad lives, and I think I can finally take it easy and relax." In fact, I was hitting on this hot looking leg-warmer, when Neptune exploded, and I felt the awesome forces that caused its destruction fling me toward Earth. And now I’m here.’"

Suddenly the lights in the place turned back on.

"What the..." said Ziggy.

"Oh my God!" shouted Dr. DeGana. "It’s the Electro-tube Shock ratio!"

"You mean..." said Dr. Anderson.

"Yes! Rg=iL! The faster a sock moves in Earth’s gravity, the more static electricity it generates!"

"So, for this sock, the electricity was enough to negate the effects of the EMP?" asked Anderson.

"Precisely."

"That’s amazing," said Theodore. "What’re we going to do with Pennet?"

"That will be my job," said Gyro the living vacuum cleaner, who moved over to the unconscious form and proceeded to envelop and absorb him into his body. When he was done, there was no trace of the mad nil-god, and Gyro merely looked content. "When he regains consciousness, I think he will be happy. Inside my body is Nothingness, the ultimate Vacuum. For him, his universe will have ceased to exist."

"Now maybe he can go back to sleep," muttered Jan.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "Battle positions!" shouted DeGana.

"What could it be?" asked R.J.

"Roaches?" suggested Jan.

"Mathematicians?" Anderson stated.

"Slugs?" asked Theodore. "Door-to-door salesmen?" said Maraharishi.³

Cautiously, DeGana opened the door.

There, in all His grandeur, was Gharan-Tzu, holding a guitar in one hand, a jar in the other, and a bottle of liquid soap under his arm. "Well, thank you...thank you very much!" said Gharan as he entered the room.

"My God!" shouted Raindrop. "It’s..."

"Don’t even say it," said Jan. "I don’t want to know.

Theodore walked over and planted his hand firmly into that of the god. "What’cha been up to?"

"Not much," said Gharan. "Jes’ ran into some big ol’ roaches, an’ I made ‘em into little roaches." He held out the jar, and it was filled with normal-sized roaches who were pounding furiously against the side of the jar. "Then I came to see how y’all were doin’, and I ran into this lil’ ol’ bald guy, and I made ‘em bigger. Then he went and beat up this lil’ furry guy (who looked like he was gonna blow up yer house) and stormed off.¹¹ Then I came here."

"Unbelievable," said Theodore.

"Convenient," muttered Jan.

"So," asked Gharan to Theodore. "Whatcha been up to?"

"Oh," said Theodore nonchalantly. "Same old, same old."

Everyone nodded.

"Well," said Gharan, "if yer not doin’ anything, you wanna hitch a ride with me back home?"

"Sure," said Lind. "That’d be cool. Say, can we take Clyde here with us? He’ll be lonely here."

"Sure," said Gharan. "We can drop him off at Forgon Three¹². He’ll be happy there."

"Right," said Theodore, who then walked over to Gharan and held his hand as the two men and sock disappeared.

"Well," said Dr. DeGana. "After we teleport Maraharishi and Gyro back to their homes, we’ll be doing the same with us. Would you care to accompany us back to the A.R.T. Labs?"

"No," said Jan. "We’ll stick around and answer whatever questions the authorities have. Then we’ll get home ourselves. In a more...mundane fashion."

"Whatever," said Dr. Anderson. "Until we meet again." He pressed a button and the forms of the Indian, vacuum, and scientists disappeared.

As soon as it was quiet and only the Safons were left, R.J. looked up at her mom. "Mom, this was fun. Will we get to do it again soon?"

Jan clutched her forehead. "I hope not, love. I hope not."

¹ Again, in Hindi.

² In English (oddly enough).

³ In Hindi again.

¹¹ Which, normally, would merit its own chapter. However, in the previous novel, eight chapters were devoted to this actor, one right after another; readers were simply getting sick of him.

In fact, his contract may not be renewed.

¹² The planet populated entirely by matching socks that have escaped the dryer.